In with the New

I’m not going to lie to you, I find the whole new relationship thing difficult. While everyone moons on about how it’s all wonderful and exciting, I tend to just spend most of it a little terrified.

Don’t get my wrong, I get the tingle of anticipation and the butterflies accompanying the kissing and the sickeningly long, lingering looks and I enjoy it, I really do…but the rest of the time I’m like a tightly coiled spring.

I guess it’s the fight or flight thing. I’m ready to run, for him to change his mind or back off or start playing games and when he does, I’m off quick smart back into my own cosy little world where it’s just me and I’m safe. Not that he has given me any reason at all to think he might do any of those things, just the opposite, he reassures me constantly.

The past few weeks, I have been so tightly wound that I feel like I might just jump up out of my chair and run and run and run and run until I fall down. Not run away, just run. I imagine this is what a mouse must feel like when it has to dash the gauntlet past the people and cats and traps to get that piece of cheese (or chocolate if you really know your mouse facts).

My emotions are so all over the place that I’m not sure if I really want to jump for joy or dissolve into a sobbing heap on the floor…well, in actual fact I have been swinging wildly between doing both of those things. Perhaps I’m so unused to feeling happy and secure that I’m at a loss for what to do with all these hormones and my body is just in total confusion. Or perhaps I am just completely and utterly terrfied of letting myself like someone this much and possibly getting hurt again that my body is preparing itself.

I know what you will say, I’ve known you all for long enough and it’s what I’d say to someone in the same position, ‘just try and relax and enjoy it’. Well yes, I am trying and I am enjoying it. Enjoying that because i’d had such a horrible day yesterday, he brough me dinner round and gave me a cuddle and that he basically things I’m the best thing since sliced bread….It’s the in-between times that are tough, the times when I don’t see him.  When he’s busy at work or with life in general and this poor little bruised heart and mixed up head of mine convince each other that he’s forgotten all about me or he’s realised that I’m completely and utterly bonkers and he’s best off out or that in fact, he doesn’t want all the lovely things that he’s been saying he does and it was all a big mix up, I’m not the right person.

I’ve given myself talkings to. I’m trying to be sane and rational. I’ve tried explaining to him that I just panic, but it’s hard to get the internal, discombobulated feelings to form a sentence and come out of my mouth making sense…especially if you’re me and there’s so many of the damn thoughts wizzing around that getting hold of one is like trying to catch a fly.

Tell me it’s not just me? Please, before I self combust.

Once more unto the breach

 I’ve spent so long complaing about guys. How they only want one thing. Wondering why it was that I seemed to only attract that kind of person.

I considered once somewhere on this blog that perhaps it was me. That I attracted those guys because that’s all I thought I was worth, I was unhappy with myself and I wasn’t ready for all that came with someone who felt anything more than the need for a quick fling with me.

Then I started to get happier, with myself, with who I am. More comfortable with it. That, as they say, is a story for another time.

As it happens, at some point just before Christmas, something changed. I manged to somewhow switch on my secret bat signal that only guys who were actually, genuinely interested could hear. Who knew such a thing existed?
In the space of a week, I had been asked on a date by three very nice, lovely, interested guys. I said no to them all. Not because I wasn’t ready or didn’t think I was worthy, but because they just weren’t quite right and I deserve that.

…there may just be a Mr Right. Maybe I will start to tell you about him. Or maybe I will keep things to myself for a while. Either way, I’m smiling again, finally, properly.

‘social’ networking

Looky there. You don’t get anything decent from me for ages and then two posts come along at once. Not that I can promise it will be decent at all!

Now. I know i said no men and technically this doesn’t count but I thought I would tell you all about it anyway as it has me shaking my head in puzzlement a bit.

It would appear that I’m having a facebook romance.

Yes, you heard me. I have never met the guy. Mr LA (because funnily enough, he lives there). My friends met him years ago when they went travelling there. As the story goes, I got a message from my friend, with him included:

“PJB, this is Mr LA.”

To which I freaked out a little because I thought she was just trying to set me up without his say so. A phone call later and apparently he spotted me on their friends list and asked to be introduced because he’d ‘like to take me to LA and marry me’. Ok.

We chatted (facebook style) for a little while one evening but that was that until at the beginning of the year, he came over to the UK….but you know how it is, we just didn’t manage to meet up as he had requested.

Fast forward to July and I’d not heard anything from him until a message popped up in my inbox. He was here for a few weeks and still wanted to see me.
Please bear in mind that we’ve had minimal chatting time and know next to nothing about eachother.

When I said that I was away for the beginning of July:

“My plan of a summer of crazy love and romance is being squashed!Come back early and your every wish/desire will be fullfilled”

and when I said that he could always stay longer if he really wanted to see me:

“ok, its done! you have an incredibly sexy charm…..
i think you have unlocked a door that may not close”

and today, after he has left, without us having got a chance to meet yet again:

“We didn’t meet 😦 I need to come back more often. Bring yourself here now please, I need a morning snuggle with you”

It’s a little strange, and a little full on….but it’s actually quite nice. All the fun of a new romance without the hassle of it actually being one!

I wonder what would happen if we ever met.