I’m not going to lie to you, I find the whole new relationship thing difficult. While everyone moons on about how it’s all wonderful and exciting, I tend to just spend most of it a little terrified.
Don’t get my wrong, I get the tingle of anticipation and the butterflies accompanying the kissing and the sickeningly long, lingering looks and I enjoy it, I really do…but the rest of the time I’m like a tightly coiled spring.
I guess it’s the fight or flight thing. I’m ready to run, for him to change his mind or back off or start playing games and when he does, I’m off quick smart back into my own cosy little world where it’s just me and I’m safe. Not that he has given me any reason at all to think he might do any of those things, just the opposite, he reassures me constantly.
The past few weeks, I have been so tightly wound that I feel like I might just jump up out of my chair and run and run and run and run until I fall down. Not run away, just run. I imagine this is what a mouse must feel like when it has to dash the gauntlet past the people and cats and traps to get that piece of cheese (or chocolate if you really know your mouse facts).
My emotions are so all over the place that I’m not sure if I really want to jump for joy or dissolve into a sobbing heap on the floor…well, in actual fact I have been swinging wildly between doing both of those things. Perhaps I’m so unused to feeling happy and secure that I’m at a loss for what to do with all these hormones and my body is just in total confusion. Or perhaps I am just completely and utterly terrfied of letting myself like someone this much and possibly getting hurt again that my body is preparing itself.
I know what you will say, I’ve known you all for long enough and it’s what I’d say to someone in the same position, ‘just try and relax and enjoy it’. Well yes, I am trying and I am enjoying it. Enjoying that because i’d had such a horrible day yesterday, he brough me dinner round and gave me a cuddle and that he basically things I’m the best thing since sliced bread….It’s the in-between times that are tough, the times when I don’t see him. When he’s busy at work or with life in general and this poor little bruised heart and mixed up head of mine convince each other that he’s forgotten all about me or he’s realised that I’m completely and utterly bonkers and he’s best off out or that in fact, he doesn’t want all the lovely things that he’s been saying he does and it was all a big mix up, I’m not the right person.
I’ve given myself talkings to. I’m trying to be sane and rational. I’ve tried explaining to him that I just panic, but it’s hard to get the internal, discombobulated feelings to form a sentence and come out of my mouth making sense…especially if you’re me and there’s so many of the damn thoughts wizzing around that getting hold of one is like trying to catch a fly.
Tell me it’s not just me? Please, before I self combust.
These things that happen 
it’s definitely just not you… just be careful ok? And I don’t mean cautious…
to hell with caution… I mean careful… And if you need to run… well… RUN… but make sure you go back to enjoy the cuddles and all that good stuff you just said. 🙂
Carpe Diem!
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Ok, bear with me…
So… I have relationships in my head, where I notice someone on the street/at work/etc, start going out with them, enjoy the dating and the fumbling, move onto the arguing and the frustration, get angry and bitter at each other and give up, just to start it all again with someone else.
This takes about 5 seconds.
I pine for some of these fictitious relationships, causing the same doubt, tension and,well, anguish etc that you seem to be talking about… This raises it’s head all the time and ruins me occasionally, meaning I spend even more time worrying about whether I’ll ever find anything at all..
You’re definitely not alone, AND you have the added bonus of there being a real person!
Perhaps what you need is a keepsake that you can look at to remind you he’s still there and all’s good?
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Vox careful but not cautious?!
Russ As someone who tried for so long to keep control of my emotions when I was depressed, it’s really hard to have this many flying around – I think that’s what it is! A keepsake? I like that – would kind of have to be for him to give though and it might be an odd conversation. Good idea though, kind of ‘here is my [something a little meaningful], if you ever change your mind just give it back and I’ll know’ thing…
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Oh you know it’s not just you. I am just as filled with mental. And you ARE the best thing since sliced bread so he’s very lucky xx
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No one can promise you they’ll never hurt you and neither can you promise yourself you won’t be scared. The real promise is if the time you spend is worth the pain in the end. But you’ll never know unless you give it a chance and let yourself go.
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I totally do this too. In my case though, my paranoia is usually justified unfortunately, cos I always pick the wrong ones. Hopefully that’s not the case for you. I guess Hannah’s comment above is spot-on though.x
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Cognitive dissonance. That uncomfortable response that you get when your expectations are not met in reality. If you expect something to go wrong and nothing does then you start feeling ill at ease, as if something is wrong itself. Your feelings of happiness are at odds with the history that you have and this makes you apprehensive.
It isn’t just you. It is perfectly natural and you really aren’t to blame. You need to resolve that dissonance by either accepting that you deserve the happiness that you feel or by undermining it and sabotaging your relationship in some way. I recommend acceptance though it is the more difficult choice to make.
That’s my armchair psychology for the night all done.
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I’m extremely late, but weighing in anyway. Reading your post, it felt like you took it all right out of my equally mental head. By the sounds of the comments, there are quite a few of us mentals out there. I’m so glad…
Hope it calms down a bit soon and that things are still going well 🙂
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