Just pause.

Skin on fire at the touch of their hand in the small of your back, fingers trailing down your neck. Goosebumps.

It’s that moment. The few seconds before the kiss, when the time slows down and the rest of the world fades to grey.

Pause. Lips almost touching. You breathe in their outward breath, warm and sweet. It sets the butterflies in your stomach dancing.

That’s the moment.

Bodies press closer, eyes close, lips meet… and you plunge from the top of the rollercoaster.

My favourite feeling in the world. That’s how you know.

My life gathers no moss

I have gone from one extreme to the other. A few months ago, I was unhappy in my new flat. I was lonely and sad and all that crap with a Jerk with nice hands just threw me for a loop. Now, I have no space to breathe, but I have a smile on my face.

I have surrounded myself with so many people, said yes to so many things, and made myself so busy that what is really nice, is some quiet time. My diary has been full most days for weeks, I can’t complain. I complain about being bored otherwise.

On Wednesday, my friend is coming to live with me. This weekend, I had an emergency call from a friend whose situation has changed and she needs somewhere to crash now and then. I got another kitten. That will be three of us (two most days, three some days) and two cats, in what is actually a pretty small one bedroom flat.

I’m a little worried that i’m unprepared for living with my friend. I like my home comforts, I like things to be just so, I have to have things tidy… let’s just hope I don’t tidy her away in a little box. I’ve got used to living by myself since I came back from my holiday. I have my routine and my freedom and my space. Will I be ok sharing it?

Having a single friend living with me does however mean more nights out, more fun, more boys and probably more falling down and giving myself a bit of a concussion – yep, managed to fall over and smack my head on the pavement. Drinking shots with boys, not a good idea but a mistake I make time and time again.

I have relented in the face of Freckles the Postman’s apparent eagerness and said yes to a date. Dating is not really my thing right now…but he says nice things, I find it hard to say no!

I am spinning round and round and round on a merry-go-round in my head….at the moment I’m squealing with delight… but I can see myself running out of breath soon, I hope I don’t get too dizzy.

As Take That so wonderful said, everything changes but you.

Aside: Wow this post is muddled, really sorry about that. Perhaps it just reflects the state of my brain at the moment, I think I whacked a fair few brain cells out.

Dear Me.

There has been a hash tag whizzing round the Twitter world that for once, has been rather interesting. I spent a lot of yesterday reading people’s #tweetyour16yearoldself, so here’s mine.

Dear 16 year old me,

I know you’re not likely to listen. Your head right now is full of parties and alcohol and if you’ll get served tonight for the four pack of Diamond White in Threshers. You will, you always do, so just take a moment to read this.

First off, dump him. I know you’ve been together for ages but don’t wait 3 more years. Don’t believe him when tells you you’re fat, you are tiny. You’re stunning, believe me, I’m you just not as hot. Make the most of it. I know you worry that no one else will like you, he’s done that to you, but they will, heck they do! Get chatting to that guy who likes you with the yummy hands in the year above, before some other girl messes him up for you.

This simple act of getting rid of First Boyfriend, him not controlling you will make a big difference to the rest of your life. You’ll be able to go away to uni, not be quilted into staying by him – study to be a counsellor. Trust me, it will save you years. Pick easy A-levels, doesn’t matter if they’re boring, it’s the grades that count. Don’t be scared of moving away, one day you might even move all the way to Spain. You can do it.

You’ve just been to the doctors, because you’ve been ill a lot. You think it messed up your GCSEs, it hasn’t, it’s ok. When the doctor tells you she thinks you might be depressed, that the million blood tests didn’t show anything because it’s your head that is broken, don’t laugh at her. Get this sorted now, five years down the line, it would be much worse.

Most importantly, I know you’re sad and lonely, I know about the cuts on your arms. Those girls who you thought were your friends, they’re just young and don’t know any better. You don’t understand why, it’s because they’re just jealous, your Mum is right. You might not ever really come to terms with why they turned on you but honestly, it was nothing you did. You are a great friend. Please stop hurting yourself.
You feel on the outside of the new group of girls but you’re not, get involved more. There’s no need to feel lonely, don’t be afraid of putting yourself back out there, these girls won’t do the same. They love you and you’ll still be friends with them in 10 years.

Lastly and quickly; do more sports, learn to play the guitar, never wear that green dress again or those flares, be nicer to your Mum, spend more time with your Sister and go on a girls holiday to Malia when they invite you.

Please please for the love of God, get rid of that centre parting.

lots of love
Your future you.
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