Don’t get my wrong, I get the tingle of anticipation and the butterflies accompanying the kissing and the sickeningly long, lingering looks and I enjoy it, I really do…but the rest of the time I’m like a tightly coiled spring.

I guess it’s the fight or flight thing. I’m ready to run, for him to change his mind or back off or start playing games and when he does, I’m off quick smart back into my own cosy little world where it’s just me and I’m safe. Not that he has given me any reason at all to think he might do any of those things, just the opposite, he reassures me constantly.

The past few weeks, I have been so tightly wound that I feel like I might just jump up out of my chair and run and run and run and run until I fall down. Not run away, just run. I imagine this is what a mouse must feel like when it has to dash the gauntlet past the people and cats and traps to get that piece of cheese (or chocolate if you really know your mouse facts).

My emotions are so all over the place that I’m not sure if I really want to jump for joy or dissolve into a sobbing heap on the floor…well, in actual fact I have been swinging wildly between doing both of those things. Perhaps I’m so unused to feeling happy and secure that I’m at a loss for what to do with all these hormones and my body is just in total confusion. Or perhaps I am just completely and utterly terrfied of letting myself like someone this much and possibly getting hurt again that my body is preparing itself.

I know what you will say, I’ve known you all for long enough and it’s what I’d say to someone in the same position, ‘just try and relax and enjoy it’. Well yes, I am trying and I am enjoying it. Enjoying that because i’d had such a horrible day yesterday, he brough me dinner round and gave me a cuddle and that he basically things I’m the best thing since sliced bread….It’s the in-between times that are tough, the times when I don’t see him.  When he’s busy at work or with life in general and this poor little bruised heart and mixed up head of mine convince each other that he’s forgotten all about me or he’s realised that I’m completely and utterly bonkers and he’s best off out or that in fact, he doesn’t want all the lovely things that he’s been saying he does and it was all a big mix up, I’m not the right person.

I’ve given myself talkings to. I’m trying to be sane and rational. I’ve tried explaining to him that I just panic, but it’s hard to get the internal, discombobulated feelings to form a sentence and come out of my mouth making sense…especially if you’re me and there’s so many of the damn thoughts wizzing around that getting hold of one is like trying to catch a fly.

Tell me it’s not just me? Please, before I self combust.

• I have a niece. Born on 17th November 2011. Miss Ita Kay. She is beautiful.
• I got that new job, for more money, like I said I would.
• Said job is ok. The money makes it. The boss is well, a boss.
• I have not lost 3 stone but I will, as and when.
• I go to the gym more.
• I eat more healthily.
• I like myself a little bit more.
• I am about 100% more confident. Honestly, hypnotherapy, totally worth it.
• I have long hair, finally (some of you know this is important to me).
• I’m still totally overdrawn.
• Liz Lemon now lives with an old lady around the corner. I’m trying to be ok with this.
• I smile quite a lot.
• I sing out loud, sometimes when I know other people are listening.
• I unashamedly love my cat Lola.
• I would like a baby, at some point.
• Karma finally came good for me.
• I’ve made my peace with friends coming and going. And they have come back again.
• There have been many times where I have been disappointed but I try not to let it get to me.
• This year, I’m going to try and figure out what I want to DO. And do it.
• I think I’m finally ready, to potentially be hurt….or find something wonderful.

I considered once somewhere on this blog that perhaps it was me. That I attracted those guys because that’s all I thought I was worth, I was unhappy with myself and I wasn’t ready for all that came with someone who felt anything more than the need for a quick fling with me.

Then I started to get happier, with myself, with who I am. More comfortable with it. That, as they say, is a story for another time.

As it happens, at some point just before Christmas, something changed. I manged to somewhow switch on my secret bat signal that only guys who were actually, genuinely interested could hear. Who knew such a thing existed?
In the space of a week, I had been asked on a date by three very nice, lovely, interested guys. I said no to them all. Not because I wasn’t ready or didn’t think I was worthy, but because they just weren’t quite right and I deserve that.

…there may just be a Mr Right. Maybe I will start to tell you about him. Or maybe I will keep things to myself for a while. Either way, I’m smiling again, finally, properly.

If I spend too long thinking about it, I would induce a mild state of panic upon myself. Realistically, I know I’m not really all that old and I have plenty of time for all of those things….. when I’m not being realistic, I worry. This job is not what I want to do, I don’t have a car, I’m not married and don’t even have a boyfriend let alone the possiblity of finding someone batty enough to want to give me lovely little babies.

I have said it before and I will say it again, finding someone seems more and more impossible as every day passes. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong place or at the wrong people. Perhaps I am expecting too much, not wanting to settle like some people do. Perhaps it will all just fall into my lap and magically happen one day. Or perhaps it will be how I fear, and I won’t be able to find someone who I love for all the world and who feels the same.

I worry that the longer it goes on, the more closed off I am even to the idea of meeting someone. I get more sure that it’s just not going to happen, that I will never meet anyone lovely and decent and so don’t even want to take a chance.
It will take someone coming along and totally sweeping me off my feet for me to even consider letting myself feel that way about someone, and let’s be honest, things like that usually only happen in the movies.

I’d always say i’m a hopeful person, but it’s dwindling fast. I’m beginning to consider getting my third cat, or maybe a tiny little dog that can use the cat flap.

Moroccan Oil Restorative Hair Mask £30 -  I’ve heard so much Moroccan Oil and was sceptical, especially considering the price. I went for the intensive conditioner as I wasn’t sure how my hair would deal with the pure oil because my roots get oily. First off, it smells divine – if a little masculine. Secondly, it leaves your hair mega shiny. My hair also felt as if it had all expanded and was much thicker, perhaps it gets coated in something but got knotty very easily after using. Anyhow, if you have long, coloured or damaged hair, I do recommed it. However, considering the price, I think I’d rather go for Redken All Soft Heavy Cream £16.95 which is just as good and much cheaper.

Superdrug Créme Sensaions, semi-permanent hair colour (I used Black Cherry) £3.49 – Major flag here, I don’t think the names match the colours, my hair is nothing like a cherry (I’m glad, wasn’t the look I was going for). Check the colour guide on the back of the box, seems pretty accurate TIP: Don’t go by the picture on the front of the box, check the back!. Good for a semi and VERY good value for money. Don’t seem to get much colour in each so get an extra box. I have long hair and a lot of it so needed all three. Not tested on animals, smells quite nice and gives really good coverage. Just be careful if you have already coloured hair. At the moment, my roots are brighter (was natural hair) and the ends are a slightly different colour where I already had dye on them.
I also recommend their range of permanent colours but they fade a little quicker than the Schwartzkopf equivalent.

Body Shop Vitamin E Nourishing Night Creme £10 – I LOVE this. It’s perfect for helping out your dry, winter skin. It smells lovely and not too strong. Feels nice and think but not too greasy. It’s quite pricey but I don’t think you need to use it every single night and you don’t need too much of it so it lasts quite long.

Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner £13 – Totally worth the money. I had tried pots, gels, pencils, pens…everything and this is the best I have found. Amazing black pigment unlike some which come out a little wishy washy. Have an issue with cracking and flaking with some gels and pens (Maybelline and Stilla gels) but this one is pretty good. Will stay put all day, honestly. If I’ve done flicks, these might have rubbed off a little but that might just be me touching my eyes too much. Quite easy to use with a bit of practice as it’s like a felt tip pen, you do need quite a steady hand though as it comes out quickly and quite liquidy. All in all, thoroughly recommend.

Nars The Multiple £29 - Totall worth the money. I have this in Maui which looks great on my cheeks but might be a little dark if you have fairer skin or if I don’t have a bit of a tan. I’ve also tried Copacabana which is more irridescent and a great highlighter which looks lovely in photos. Nice and blendable, creamy and long wearing. The one I have looks dark but just build the colour up slowly rather than wacking a great load on and once it’s blended, it looks naturally flushed.

One for the lads so as not to leave you out…

Paul Smith Extreme £25.99 - I’m pretty sure it’s this one, I know it’s Paul Smith anyhow, one that smells woody and slightly minty. This aftershave drives me utterly insane. In a very good way. A male friend of mine insists on wearing it and I can confidently say that it makes him 50% more attractive to me.