It started with – well after almost a year – a kiss

As you all know, i’m not the most confident tool in the box (nor probably the brightest) but I have been getting better over the past year, little by litte.

It was after I got skinny but before I got confident that I found myself on a pub crawl with my friend. It was her ex’s, friends Birthday or somesuch. I didn’t really know anyone and was propping up the bar having a little look around, doing some shots (as you do when you’re unconfident and don’t know anyone). Mostly lads…some around my age….

Oh hello, yes you’re hot but younger than me. Then it was forgotten about, after all, he’d given me a quick glance but that was all.

Months down the line, June, and a few little encounters with the same group of people later, it was said friend’s Birthday. This was after I started getting fat again and in the midst of finding, but not having quite found my confidence. A group of us were out locally and along popped her ex (they maintaned some kind of friendship) with some of his friends.

Oh hello again, excuse me while I squeeze past to go to the bar. Yes, you’re hot. But oh, as I return from the bar, a blank look…a look, but no smile, no hello. Perhaps you think I’m a drunk. Well I am. Anyway, you’re too hot for me.

Then all of a sudden, as happens, it’s Christmas. The 28th December to be precise and there’s another pub crawl with that group of people. Friend has got back with her ex you see, so it’s all happy faces. This is once I was fat again, but not THIS fat and after i’d found my confidence, well a bit of it.

I was showing them, my friends…you know, the ones I’ve talked about who didn’t like the new me. So I was dressed to kill, but just the right amount. Looking hot, for me. And all of a sudden, there he is again.

Well. Perhaps not quite as young as I thought, still hot that’s for sure. A nod hello! A few pubs later there’s someone saying he looks like my ex..he looks totally shamed. Here’s me waving the white flag again. Clearly not interested. A few more pubs later and I’m sure him and his mate are talking about me. I apologise for the earlier banter and try and make good…still not much chatter. I’ll leave it.

Ahhhh New Years Eve. I hate this day, far too much expectation. I tweet about staying in by myself. Friend’s now bf is having a house party…. suppose I could go. Don’t really feel like it though. This is now I’m fat again and now I have much more confidence, even more with a litre of vodka.

He’s here. Hello. A glance at me as he walks in, ok feels a bit frosty. He’s having a chat with my friends, more or less ignores me. Oh well, let’s party. Only one thing for it, drink a LOT of vodka, take some co-codamol for my headache, drink more vodka and fall into a coma.

Can just about stand up as we watch the countdown on the TV. Friends are somehow on the other side of the room…. 5,4,….Not even sure I can stand up much longer….3,2..oh, i’m standing next to him….1….and as he goes to say happy new year… I kiss him.

 

The News

I really apologise for the way in which I’m going to do this and I apologise again for the fact that I will leave you all hanging but I don’t have the bloggability right now…

• There was the L word.
• He’s moving in.

The Gap in my Brain

Ok, there’s things flying round in my head and the only way I can think of getting them out is to write about them….so I’m afraid that you have to hear about them!

Things with the fella are going swimmingly…so much so that of course, I am worrying about it. I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t.

I feel like I’m getting lost. I was so over looking for and wanting something that I was quite fine with my own little life by myself doing my own little thing. And then someone comes along and changes all that. I’ve gone from just making myself happy to wanting to make someone else happy too. Checking my phone for texts and refreshing my emails. Being sad when I can’t see him and worrying that things have all gone wrong if it all goes a little quiet.
I am in fact, doing my own head in.

Everything seems too much and I feel like I’m at breaking point most of the time. Previously spoken about crazy emotions are everywhere, work isn’t great, all of the mentioned above and my head just breaks. A week of just wanting to cry. A five day migraine. And then I hide. My relationship is new and could really do without me switching my phone off for a day but I do. Just me is safe and I can sort things out. Just me is not condusive to a healthy partnership.

I feel like I don’t deserve it mostly. I don’t understand why he is so lovely to me and why he says all the things he does. I look in the mirror and what I see is so at odds with what he describes that I just can’t believe it. I am not good enough for him.

Like I said to him…he is a 8/9 (now he’s started going to the gym and wants to get even hotter and there’s a full sleeve in the making – if you know me, this is awesome) so he will be a 9/10. I think I’m about a 6/7….if I could lose the three stone that I’ve been promising forever and not delivering, then I will be a 7/8. Sevens don’t end up with tens. In the end, they find another ten.

Genuinely – this is how my head works.

I didn’t think I was good enough before and now he’s just going to get better and better and I just can’t get my head around that. There’s no way that I will be able to keep him once he realises what he’s worth.

And that makes me so horribly sad.